Turn on the lights…

…and I’ll glow.

To the extreme, I rock a blog like a vandal. Light up the web and wax a chump like a candle.

So, before you roll your jaded eyes at me and proceed to search for another site in which to waste your time, there are a few things you should know.

  1. I made a goal today to write my first ever blog post. Mission fucking accomplished.
  2. Attempting to write a first ever blog post is daunting. For reals, guys. It can make the most confident of confident people second, third and fourth guess themselves and cause the most accomplished of authors to experience instantaneous writer’s paralysis.  And though I cannot be categorized as either type of person, I stand steadfast behind those assumptions.
  3. First ever blog posts are overrated. We all know this. Once a blog picks up steam, has 10’s of followers and has been thoroughly saturated with content, what type of person goes back to read the first blog entry anyways? Well, since you’re reading this, you must be that type of person, and you deserve to be underwhelmed. You basically asked for it.
  4. I was kinda obviously born in the 80’s. Proof: The shitty Vanilla Ice reference contained in lines one and two of my first ever blog post.
  5. I used the dreaded F word in bullet point #1. This implies my hope that my Mom never stumbles upon my blog. In regards to my bad habits, such as invoking the persona of a sailor who just stubbed his toe, I like to keep her slightly in the dark where all things ignorant are bliss. Now is also a good time to mention that in spite of my occasionally colorful language, AND in spite of my blog title, one should not be fooled. I am indeed a fucking genius.
  6. Sorry Mom. Again.

So with that knowledge, let us move past the disappointment you may or not be experiencing with my first ever blog post and get this show on the road. Flip that switch to the ON position, we’re open for business, baby!