Happy belated birthday, Donald Sterling!

I was in a bit of a panic this morning when I realized that on April 26th, I had been negligent in celebrating the 80th birthday of good ole’ boy, Donald Sterling. I mean, in my defense, I was probably busy that day doing things like being-a-better-freaking-person-than-him or having non-racist conversations with my other crazy non-racist friends, (you know – mind-boggling stuff).

You must understand – your average, evolved human being has a lot less damn time on their hands! Seriously people! Exhibit A: my DVR. When you have love and respect for other humans regardless of race, gender or sexual orientation, do you have any idea how many more television shows and movies that opens a person up to?!? Denzel Washington alone has made approximately 842 amazing movies! And The Ellen Show is on EVERY FREAKING DAY!!! It’s nearly impossible to keep up.

Pro-tip: Watching them both together saves TIME.

But I digress, that’s my cross to bear and is certainly no excuse for missing such a notable figure’s birthday. Since my greetings were to be belated, a card alone would not do. Nope, I had to find a gift. But what do you get the degenerate tycoon in your life that has everything? Just as panic began creeping back in, my internet search led me to the mecca of one-stop shopping; the store that has anything and everything and the very place that has saved my ass for three Christmases and counting. That’s right, Amazon.com had my back! Just before I was about to throw in the towel, Amazon presented me with this lil’ nugget:

The product rating is decent and it’s IN STOCK. Do you think he’ll like it??? Fingers crossed, y’all!

These people certainly had some encouraging things to say.

Winner, winner – chicken and watermelon dinner, I think we found it folks. Donald is sure to be impressed. With the help of Amazon, I have very fortunately stumbled across the perfect present for the ginormous, racist asshole in your life. You are welcome.

And as a side note, I would love to quickly point your attention to the “Customers Who Viewed This Also Viewed” section for this item.

I have tried and tried, I promise, to ascertain the correlation between these products. Thus far, I’ve come up empty. Maybe just maybe, one of you can shed some light on this for me. For now, all I can hope is it has something to do with the inarguable fact that anyone who would purchase a black face bottle opener is a real dick.

Happy belated birthday, douchebag Donald!

           Love – dee dubya

PS: Yes. That’s a real product, you guys. I can’t make this shit up.

PPS: No, I don’t understand it either.

PPPS: Hell in a hand basket. Totally where this world is going. At record speed.