The inadequate introduction of the hubby and my plea for your help!

Husband: I really like your blog, baby. You’re doing a good job.

Me: Aww. Thanks honey!

Husband: I do have a small complaint though.

Me: [blank stare] Really?

Husband: Yeah. When you refer to me in posts, you call me things like “hubby” or “the hubs”.

Me: And…?

Husband: Don’t you think I should have a cooler, more macho nickname?

The conversation went on like this for a while, with him tossing out a plethora of nicknames that better described his persona and overall manliness. And he was right. The man I married shouldn’t be flippantly referred to as “hubs”. It’s not right, not for him.

But what was my nubile blogging booty to do? As an occasional post peruser, I knew that many women used the initials “DH” when mentioning their men. It took me a while, but I realized later that it was a commonly accepted acronym for “Dear Husband”. (At least I think that’s correct.) But, I don’t care for that term of (lacking) endearment any more than I do “hubby”.

The challenge, of course, is to create a nick that suits my man, but is also obvious to my super kickass readers.

One of my favorite writers, Jenny Lawson of The Bloggess, simply refers to her husband by his first name. But since my preference is to avoid using the real names of my post subjects, that’s out.

Ree Drummond, the infamous Pioneer Woman, gave her husband the moniker “Marlboro Man”. Now, that’s more like it. It’s clear who she is referring to, it suits her site’s theme and it doesn’t hurt that it conjures up images of that Stetson and tight jeans wearing rugged guy sporting a lasso and a mean 5 o’clock shadow.

I’ve been thinking about this for a bit, and this is where I need your help.

To help-you-help-me, here’s a bit about the man/the legend:

  • He’s a proud native of Northern Kentucky, and he is adamant that God resides in the Bluegrass State.
  • He served in the US Army for 22 years, and retired as a 1SG.
  • Bourbon is his mistress.
  • He believes he should have been born a cowboy. And he acts accordingly.
  • He’s a long, lean, red-headed machine.
  • He’s smart, sassy, sweet, generous and professionally, he’s got one of those big deal business titles.
  • And finally, he’s loads of other awesome things, but ain’t nobody got time for that! (He is on my about page, if you do actually got time for that.)

Right now, I have two diametrically different ideas. I’ll quickly explain both, and what I need from you is your unfiltered opinion and/or your other original ideas. You can do that for me, right?

Idea 1 ) GH

Reasoning:

  • His actual, real-life initials are GH.
  • It’s similar to DH, so most people should get it.
  • Because he’s a great husband. Plus genius, generous, gallant, gregarious, goofy, grand, gorgeous, genuine, gracious, and a guardian.

Idea 2 ) John Wayne

Reasoning:

  • He quotes The Duke semi-regularly.
  • As mentioned above, he should have been born a cowboy.
  • The two honestly, have a lot in common.
  • He would like it.

I suppose he could also be dubbed 1st Sergeant or Mister or Jack Daniels, if you please. But since I just cannot decide, I’m enlisting you wonderful people in my quest. Please use the comment section of this post to cast your vote for one of my DimWhitted ideas, or probably better yet, offer up your own original suggestions.

The hubs and I can’t wait to hear from you!

DimWhit’s Friday Fold-Up: DimDog Included.

I’m feeling a tad guilty because during last week’s Friday Fold-Up, I promised to acquaint you all with my ding-dongy, doggy daughter – DimDog – sometime throughout the week. I never got around to it, but in my defense, I was hoping she would do something interesting enough to be post-worthy.

But she didn’t.

In any case, now is probably as good of time as any for DimDog to make her blog debut. Without further ado, here are a few key facts and a bit of her bio:

  • DimDog is a boxer; a flashy brindle girl boasting 4 white socks and tiger stripes on her coat.
  • Her favorite activities include licking human feet and sunbathing in the nude.
  • Her birthday is November 2nd. She’s 2 1/2 years young.
  • For her breed, she’s a lil’ squirt; currently topping out around 50 lbs, when she’s supposed to be closer to 70 or 80.
  • She’s crude and disgusting and bluntly, not very lady-like whatsoever.

Also, she has the ability to be remarkably beautiful. Take for example, this photo:

See what I mean?!? But truthfully, she looks more like this 90% of the time:

For the Friday Fold-Up portion of this week’s post:

  • My blogging idol, the infamous Jenny Lawson of The Bloggess, read and freaking responded to one of my posts, in which I shared a technology tip for Mac users. She also followed me on Twitter. And in related news, I hyperventilated.

I was sporting the Taylor-Trademarked, OMG-I-Can’t-Believe-This-Is-Happening face.

  • Speaking of Twitter, this week I officially launched my campaign for world domination by infiltrating the social media realm. That’s right folks, the DimWhit is now on Facebook and Twitter and waiting for you and 1 million of your closest friends to assist in growing my cult.

  • I could still use your recommendations for the funniest females in the blogging world, because you seriously let me down. I’m not angry. I’m just trying to prove a point here, dammit. You can help me out here.
  • Additionally, since y’all never fail to surprise me, my least favorite post from the week attracted the most comments, likes and shares – so much so that I’m not going to bother linking it in today’s Fold-Up. Instead, I’m going to link this one, because I like it more and because it makes me giggle on the inside.
  • And finally, the inevitable happened this week: I got busted by my Mama and virtually grounded for my sometimes “colorful” language. This is from the lady that at one point banned me from saying something sucks because to her, sucks was a swear word. Isn’t that some bullshit? However, this is also the lady that has read the entire 50 Shades of Grey trilogy…and I’m pretty sure that’s worse.

Until next time!

My MacBook provides me daily affirmations! (and yours will too)

Yesterday, one of my favorite bloggers, Jenny Lawson of The Bloggess, came a tad unglued when feeling taunted by the ‘control’ button on her keyboard. What is that key for anyway??? She must have been on my mind, since I just happened to write about her yesterday in this post. I like to think it’s because we’re soul sisters, therefore granting me some kind of sixth sense that allows me to hear her cries of frustration carry over the vast, complex interwebs.

I understand, girl! I’ve had this MacBook going on 4 years now, and that damned button has yet to reveal its true purpose.

I wanted to reach out to her. To tell her…I GET IT! And to also let her know…there’s a better way to look at it! With one simple little trick, Jenny’s irritation can be magically turned into inspiration, and the rest of you Appleonians can use it too!

Just SHIFT your thinking!

The trick is simple, requiring only 3 easy steps!

1. Look at your keyboard.

2. Next, look at the image below and read the text aloud.

3. Now, look back at your keyboard.

Can you see it now? Our Macs provide us DAILY AFFIRMATIONS! It’s as if every time I find myself hesitating to click ‘publish’ on my most recent dumbass brilliant post, Steve Jobs himself stands peering over my left shoulder shouting words of encouragement.

You can do it, Whit!

You should do it, Whit!

The people need to see this, Whit!

You’re in FN CONTROL OF SPACE, Whit!!!

Gee, thanks Steve. And now that you (and hopefully Jenny) are aware of this MacBook-related best kept secret, you too can begin to harness the power of positive thinking your keyboard is desperately trying to bestow. Feels nice, eh?

FN right it does.

 

You’re right fellas – women aren’t funny: Exhibit A

We all know women aren’t funny.

How many times do we have to tell you?

And if you didn’t know that, just ask your nearest dude. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Lest I forget how unfunny us women-folk are, I was recently reminded of this simple fact a few weeks ago. The hubs and I had two of our dearest friends over, a married couple whom we love like family, to enjoy our deck, the sunshine and a few margaritas. Things were going swimmingly, as per usual, until the topic turned to comedians and our male friend very matter-of-factly stated:

Women just aren’t that funny.

And…he elaborated:

There’s not one female comic I would pay money to see. I mean, they just aren’t that good.

And there it was. The comment I have heard so many times before, lesser minds would think there were truth to it. But there isn’t, friends. Which is why, after I managed to hoist my chin from the table and blink myself back into consciousness, I immediately began forming my well-rehearsed rebuttal to spew in his direction.

Let’s do this!

I locked my eyes on him. I was ready, was he? He better be, considering I had heard this shitty statement so many times that my list of hilarious-ladies-you-can’t-deny had grown longer and was well practiced. But before I could begin my argument which usually started with, “For the love of Christ, what about Carol Burnett?”, I stopped myself.

What did you say?

Why? Because I was exhausted. Attempting to turn a Doubting Thomas into a believer one person at a time is hard work. Nope, this time I would just agree with him. Aggressively agree with him.

You’re exactly right! I said.

Silly women, thinking they’re so funny! I agreed.

Screw those mediocre, mammary gland sporting lady jokesters. Posers! I proclaimed.

Since I assumed his funny bone had been fractured at a young age in some terrible accident, I felt confident the sarcasm soaked comments might escape him. And they did. And I felt better. And I giggled a little on the inside. But only a little, because chicks aren’t that funny!

7 out of 10 Doctors state that an increase in testosterone positively impacts a female’s humor glands. Source: American Journal Of Shit That’s Not True.

So to commemorate this oh so factual statement that us ladies are lacking in the humor department, this will be the first in a regular series on my blog entitled: You’re right fellas – women aren’t funny. For each entry, I’ll submit some support for this argument, by offering up a lady or ladies that possess the audacity to consider themselves funny, as proof that you dudes are right!

And since I’m new to blogging and therefore blogging is on my mind pretty much constantly, Exhibit A will center around some of the most anti-hilarious, skirt-wearing, beholders of boobies in the post publishing world.

I submit to you as evidence:

1. Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half. This Brosh bitch isn’t funny at all. Don’t read anything she’s written. Least of all this.

2. Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess. I’ve read all her stuff. Couldn’t crack a smile. See? Cholera is no laughing matter!

3. Abby Heugel of Abby Has Issues. She’s so funny I forgot to laugh. Plus, she’s glamorous, which is annoying.

See what I mean? Not funny at all! [eyeroll, eyeroll, eyeroll] And definitely don’t let their flashy book deals and sizable fan-bases fool you. Those gals obviously have no game.

Have any other female bloggers you’d like to toss under the funny bus? Please feel free to out similar impostors below. Promise not to laugh.